Wishing
by psycho-girl101
Summary: Sirius and Remus are both wishing. One, that he could get the help he needs, the other, that he could know enough to give it. 2nd in the WWW Trilogy
1. Concealing

_Dear Sirius, _

_God, you don't know how much I miss you already! I know it's only been a couple of days but I can't stop myself thinking about you, especially when I'm lying awake with no one to talk to. You were the greatest insomnia cure; I think I talked about some of the things I've never talked to anyone about before. You changed me Sirius. I don't know how you did it but you made me feel...me, again. I wish you were here with me. It's you I have to thank for being happy right now you know that?_

_If it weren't for you, I would never have dreamed of asking to be moved to Aunt Emer's house. Aoife and David were glad to be rid of me I know they were. They were always ashamed. Emer and Sean are just so pleasant all the time! They actually ask me my opinion! I hope you're having a nice holiday. You haven't actually told me much about your family so maybe I could get to meet them sometime? Emer keeps encouraging me to invite friends over, can you imagine! Hope I see you soon,_

_All my love,_

_Remus_

_x x x_

_Ps. the owl is called Arcamedes, he's my first pet ever! _

_Dear Sirius,_

_It's been a week since I sent Arc off with a letter for you and he hasn't come back yet. I guess he probably got lost, or the ministry have him or something, but if you got him and the letter and he's just hurt or something- just tell me in your reply, okay?_

_Well, this owl is my Uncle Darren's so just be really careful with her; she's called Xanthe. Darren is utterly brilliant – He took me to the Quidditch World Cup semi finals! England lost to Brazil but it was still fantastic. You must give me a time when you can come over and stay for a while; or you could just floo in for the afternoon or something. Just don't this Saturday, Sunday or Monday._**I will have to visit my mother then**

_I hope your summer has been as fun as mine so far. That's probably why you haven't replied yet - you're so busy! Emer and me are going to Hogsmeade for a day out soon, maybe you could come with us to that! _

_One thing I've learnt so far this holiday is – Absence makes the heart grow fonder. I miss you so much._

_Thoughts and wishes,Remus_

_**x x x**_

_Sirius, _

_Why didn't you reply? Did you even read my letter? Oh well, at least Xanthe came back. I thought you made me promise I'd write to you all the time? I suppose, it's not like I made you promise the same thing. I guess this means you don't want to come over anytime. Have I done something that's upset you? I hope everything's okay._

_I really do love you Sirius,_

_Remus _

X 

**Stop writing to me werewolf. **

**Sirius Black, of the Most Noble and Ancient House of Black**

_S. Black,_

_I give up. I get it now. You probably just thought you'd get a few kicks out of turning the saddest kid in the entire school into whatever you wanted, but making me believe that I had friends, that I had you? That's just plain sick. Just do me a favour and next year, leave me alone._

_R.J. Lupin_

Remus felt exhausted, physically and emotionally. The full moon had been two days ago, it had been harsher than usual – He had been left with deeper cuts, more bruises, an extremely painful throat from too much howling or, if he was being truly honest with himself, from crying. Yet he had refused Emer's offer of an extra few days at home – sending him to school by portkey when he was further healed. He knew that if he didn't get the train with everyone else, if he didn't have some sense of normality about his first day, he knew his world would fall to pieces and he would be back where he had started the year before. Nobody. He tried to look at the whole situation, as positively as was possible to someone who felt like their heart had been ripped bodily out of their chest. If he returned to school and was as casual and calm – as confident as he had been last term people would still like him and he could easily find some new people to be friends with. He had actually heard some kids saying how lucky he was; how much they wished they could be him. Maybe James and Peter hadn't been part of Sirius' sick little joke – they had kept their dating a secret – so perhaps he could still hang out with them sometimes.

_Yes_, Remus assured himself, everything was going to be fine. He sighed miserably, allowing the relentless negative thoughts he had been attempting to push from his mind to rush back in. Regretfully he left the safe warmth of Darren's car and, taking his handily shrunken luggage with him, he said a quick but heartfelt thanks and goodbye to his Aunt and Uncle before making his way through Kings Cross Station, onto Platform nine and three quarters. His stomach started to tie itself into knots at the sight of the beautiful scarlet steam engine. He climbed aboard slightly more depressed. He had been hoping that this year might be the first time he saw the train and felt that wonderful tingle of awe and excitement he had heard others talk about. Settling himself in the first carriage (he was there extremely early due to Emer's obsession with timing), Remus' mind – now unoccupied- decided that a fun past time would be to make Remus think of the worst possible scenarios for the upcoming year. No matter how he tried to stop it, his brain appeared to have gone freelance and it was making Remus quite queasy. He felt the note in his pocket, the one that had broken his heart. Five little words had destroyed his world.

Remus had almost worked himself to the point of hyperventilation when the carriage door slid open and in rambled James Potter, Peter Pettigrew and none other than Sirius Black himself. All three were on top of the word, delightedly congratulating Remus on the excellent carriage, grins plastered to their faces; acting as though nothing had happened.

Remus had to use all his will power and control to stop his jaw dropping. He could understand if Sirius hadn't yet had the time to explain to Peter and James why Remus should not be consorted with and hence they would be cheerful and generally nice toward him – but Remus could not find a reason on God's green earth as to why Sirius was being so normal. He assumed this was all part of Sirius' demented joke. And yet when Sirius choose to sit next to him, when Sirius gave him that special smile which seemed to be reserved for Remus alone, when Sirius brushed his fingers up Remus' back in a manner that made his knees quake; Remus knew he couldn't be faking this.

Remus felt awkward and confused for the rest of the journey, so unsure of his position within the group that he actually did his prefect patrols of the train, taking as much time as possible about it. Eventually they coasted into Hogsmeade station and there was an insane rush for carriages. After the usual welcoming feast and sorting ceremony, at which Remus neither ate a thing or learned a single first years name, he traipsed after the others to their room in Gryffindor tower. Changing into his pyjamas as quickly as possible, explaining to James' concerned questions that he wasn't feeling very well, Remus climbed into his four-poster and pulled the curtains without saying goodnight. He wouldn't fall asleep for a very long time.

In fact, by one o'clock according to his watch (he'd charmed it so that it actually worked in the Hogwarts grounds unlike every other muggle contraption) he still hadn't even managed a doze. All he could think about was Sirius' strange behaviour. How could he do this? Was it a joke still? Had Remus' owls gone to the wrong address? No, he was sure that couldn't be it. So what the hell was it?

He rolled onto his front and sighed, burying his face into the pillow. The whole room was silent, not even Peter was snoring. The silence was stopping him from sleeping. He always needed noise to sleep. When he'd first been diagnosed as a werewolf he had been kept in solitary confinement as his parents considered their options and the doctors poked and prodded at him. He had only been small and it had been so confusing – so cold. At night there had been no noise. He had been locked in a sound proofed room with nothing to sleep on, nowhere to go to the bathroom just an empty room. Ever since his release he had never been able to sleep in a noiseless environment. The dorm had always ensured that didn't happen.

Who was he trying to kid? The real reason he didn't like silence was because it left only his thoughts to occupy the space noise normally filled. He hated his thoughts, particularly at this moment in time. Groaning he rolled back over and threw open the hangings that enclosed him. He had to find out; else he might drive himself mad.

Remus snuck quietly across the room to Sirius' bed. He couldn't hear a sound from within the curtains, not even breathing. Sirius had always been a quiet sleeper. Holding his breath Remus opened the curtains. True enough Sirius was laying utterly still, his chest rising and falling the only notable sign he was alive. The crescent moon's pale light flickered across Sirius' handsome face and Remus saw something that made his heart freeze in his chest. A huge purple bruise covered Sirius' entire left cheek. From his jawbone to the tender area beneath his eye was a hideous shade of violet.

Remus reeled with the shock. Where had that come from? It definitely hadn't been there earlier. Sirius must have been using a concealing charm. But why would he want to hide something like that? What had Sirius done over the holidays?

Not caring about his doubts, his anger, his hurt – Remus slipped quietly into bed next to Sirius. All he wanted at that moment was to look after Sirius. Automatically, Sirius turned onto his side and slide an arm round Remus' waist, nestling into the crook of Remus neck. Sirius sighed softly and Remus curled neatly into the space Sirius had naturally created for him.

This close Remus could hear Sirius heart beat, slow and steady, and it calmed him. Finally Remus fell asleep. A few hours later when the sun was just beginning to rise, still long before any of the others would wake up, Remus left Sirius bed and returned to his own – worries controlling his mind once again.


	2. Talking

"Sirius, if you don't open the fucking door this minute I swear to God, I will tear the bloody thing down and beat you around the head with the largest buggering piece!" James Potter roared, hammering on the bathroom door with the same amount of force as a concrete elephant. He was not a morning person. This was not helped by the fact that Sirius had been in the bathroom for 40 minutes; the door firmly locked.

When he received no answer James physically snarled and kicked the door, earning him several stubbed toes for the effort. Swearing colourfully, he stormed back into the dormitory and threw open his trunk, hurling the content out at random. Remus had been called to an early morning prefect pep talk apparently (according to the neatly written note on his already made bed), and therefore hadn't been around to act as their personal alarm clock like he normally did. Thus James was going to be late. And probably stink too, thanks to Sirius. What a great start to the school year. His mind wandered back to the summer, as James yanked on his shirt, inside out, and he wished he were still there.

Unknown to James, Sirius was on the other side of the door, thinking the exact opposite. He turned a full circle in front of the mirror that covered a whole wall of the bathroom and sighed with relief; that was the last one hidden for now. He returned to the sink and splashed more water onto his face. Last night had been the first night's sleep he'd had in such a long time. He had felt so safe just being back in the dorm, surrounded by his friends. This morning it had been odd, he reflected as he hung over the basin. It had been as though, something…someone, had been with him during the night. Someone comforting him and protecting him in his dreams. It was silly really; there were no such things as guardian angels. Anyway, Sirius thought bitterly, even if there were, this summer had proven he didn't have one, hadn't it?

It wouldn't have even been so bad if his friends had written, if they had let him know that they still cared. Not even Remus, his Remus, had sent a single owl. But he was here now and it didn't matter anymore, he reminded himself viciously, rubbing his face dry with a soft towel. He proceeded to sling it round his waist and walked out bravely into the dorm, ready to face the 'wrath' of early morning James Potter. But, there was no one there.

Trying to push it from his mind that none of them had bothered waiting for him, he began to get dressed. They were all still friends with him yesterday, acting as though the summer hadn't even happened. But then, he supposed nothing major had happened to them. Remus had been awfully quiet yesterday, he recalled, doing his tie in a loose knot.

Sirius slung his currently empty book bag up onto his shoulder, trying not to wince as it brushed multiple bruises on his back. Taking one last look in the bedroom mirror, he frowned. No matter how much he tried to hide it, he couldn't conceal the bags under his eyes or the severe weight loss that made him look like he hadn't eaten in weeks. Plastering on his best false smile he turned away from the mirror, the terrible voice of his mother echoing in his head, _"Smile even if you think your world is falling apart, because the moment you stop it will." _He told it to Shut up, even though he took the advice any who.

Remus was eating toast, attempting to lighten James' mood when Sirius entered the Great Hall.

"James, it really isn't my fault if your watch was set to the wrong time and it made you think you were late. Remember, going through the wards always sends muggle stuff berserk. Here, I'll reset it for you." He offered and James begrudgingly chucked the offending watch across. Sirius sat down noisily next to Remus, who looked up in surprise and tensed, but tried quickly to mask it. "Sleep well?" He asked. Sirius smiled and nodded energetically and Remus attempted to beam back. Unable to really concentrate on any at all when Sirius was smiling at him,, handing back James watch without really looking. Remus let go before James had it and it fell into the porridge tureen in the middle of the table instead. "Oh, Sorry!" He turned crimson and spelled it out, banishing the porridge before James could work himself up again.

Sirius chuckled softly and grasped Remus' free hand beneath the table. Remus visibly relaxed and squeezed Sirius' hand gently in return. Sirius felt his insides turn to jelly with the relief. Remus still _liked_ him, liked him. He didn't think he would have been able to bear this summer if he hadn't known Remus would be there at the end of it all for him.

A few quiet minutes later, the Head Boy passed down their timetables. They had double Defence Against Dark Arts first, followed by Herbology. Both classes were however split with the Slytherins, putting a slight damper on what would have been an excellent Monday morning.

"Can, we talk?" Remus said out of the corner of his mouth, inconspicuously.

Sirius gave a tiny nod and they both stood up, explaining to a still mopping James, and Peter who nodded also.

They hurried from the Great Hall, although Sirius struggled to walk that fast.

"In here," Remus said, jerking Sirius in behind the first tapestry they came to. Sirius winced at the sudden movement. Next moment he was in even more pain, but he didn't care. Because all he knew was Remus' arms were around him, Remus' face was buried in his neck, Remus' heart was beating next to his; loudly. And nothing had ever felt so perfect to him. He wrapped his arms around the slightly shorter boy and sighed with contentment.

All too soon Remus had let go,

"What's wrong?" He said gently, looking into Sirius' eyes. Something was different within them, something was…missing. It was like a light had gone out behind them the moment Remus had stopped hugging him.

"Nothing. I missed you so much. _So much._" He explained. "Remus?" Sirius asked, but Remus looked away refusing to meet his gaze. "Rem, you're frightening me. Has something happened?"

"What happened to you this summer?" Remus asked boldly, if he didn't ask now he never would. "Why did you send this to me? I thought…well you know." He said miserably, shoving a well handled note into Sirius' hands. He looked away and stuffed both hands into his pockets so he wouldn't have to see them shaking.

Sirius took the note. It looked as though it had been unfolded and refolded hundreds of times. It had been. His jaw hung slightly as he read the paper, what the hell was this? The answer was one he already knew and it sickened him. Sirius let the note fall from his hands and float down to rest between them on the floor and the silence.

"Remus…No. You couldn't possibly…no, you know I would never. This…I didn't send this, I would neve-" He protested and Remus couldn't resist interrupting him with a kiss. His hands wandered up to Sirius' hair and entwined of their own accord in his thick locks. Sirius ran his hands up Remus' spine, making the other boy shiver beneath his touch.

Oblivious to the students hurrying on to their first class of the year, Sirius gently pressed Remus against the wall, pushing their bodies as close together as physically possible, yearning for Remus' touch. It felt like magic, like nothing could hurt him while Remus was holding him close. His injuries didn't even hurt, though this amount of movement would usually kill. Remus moaned softly as they finally parted and Sirius felt Remus' breath warm on his own cheek. Remus held tight to Sirius' shoulders and Sirius soon realised he was shaking.

"I was so scared I'd lost you." He whispered breathlessly.

"You can't get rid of me that easily," Sirius joked and Remus gave a weak chuckle. "Are we ready to go to class now? Not that I want to, but you know…" He trailed off as he saw the look in Remus' eye that said there was a lot more to this.

"What's wrong with your face?" Remus spoke evenly, although his heart was thumping cruelly in his chest. Sirius was pretty sure his had just stopped beating.

"My - my what? I may not be the best looker but that's a bit harsh…" Sirius tried to make a joke of it but Remus was somber.

"You're the most beautiful person I know. You know what I mean – that bruise." He reached up and ever so tenderly stroked the cheek he knew was atrociously discoloured. Sirius flinched from the unexpected touch and Remus' eyes widened with horrified understanding. "Someone did that to you. Who hit you, Sirius?"

"Nobody did anything to me! I fell is all, okay?" He snapped, refusing to meet Remus' eyes.

"Sirius, you know you can't lie to me. Who was it? And why are you covering it up?" He said quietly but forcefully.

"I fell! I'm covering it because it's embarrassing!"

"Sirius…"

"Okay fine! You want to know? It was my parents! Happy?" And with that he left, trembling with adrenaline. Remus didn't try to follow him. He just sat, stunned.


	3. Searching

_**Back from Hiatus, this chapter forced me to write it by holding sleep hostage at 3 am this morning so I hope you all enjoy it! Please review, I am desperate for feeback on this and the prequel!**_

James Potter was more than a little worried. He had been in too dark a mood for the majority of their first class to realise, but by the time he got to Herbology, it had lightened enough for him to finally notice two of his best friends were missing and had been for almost the entirety of the morning. Peter, who had failed so badly he had been excused from Herbology classes permanently as it was deemed too dangerous for himself and his fellow pupils were he in the greenhouse, was no longer there to occupy him with mindless chatter and James finally got worried. Really worried. When he set his mind to it, James was very good at most things, and seeing as how there was nothing else to set his mind on, he was very good at this too.

At break time he was reunited with Peter and they made their way to the Common Room, Great Hall, Classroom 11, and The Black Lake, in turn, to check for their missing Marauders. Neither were to be found in any of the regular haunts and as a light drizzle started they headed back indoors to collect their bags.

First bell went and they had to resign from the hunt and make their way to Transfiguration, Peter stopping off to grab something from the common room as they doubled back on themselves; leaving James to his thoughts again. He tried to remember if Remus or Sirius had said anything of major relevance that morning; a suicide pact, for instance, but he could remember very little of the morning.

Much to his elation, Sirius was sitting outside the classroom, model student face on, as though he'd been there all this time. James was having none of it.

"Where the hell have you been?" He yelled, causing a gaggle of first year girls to scream in surprise. Sirius himself, barely noticed.

"Hello? Earth to Sirius!" James plonked himself down next to his fellow marauder, waving a hand in front of Sirius' face to gain his attention. Finally Sirius realised he was being addressed,

"What?" He asked thickly. James scowled.

"God, you really are wired to the moon sometimes," He groaned. "So where have you been?"

"I've been…sick," He said in a slightly dazed voice. It was partially true. He felt extraordinarily ill. Just not physically. As for where he'd been…well, he wasn't exactly about to turn around and say, 'well James, first I was making out with my boyfriend, you know, your other best friend, then we had an argument about my parents abuse, which caused me to storm off and I've been sitting in the Owlery wondering if it's worth my troubles to just throw myself off it…' he shuddered, it was best not to think about it at all. James, totally oblivious to Sirius' thoughts took the look on his face to be caused by his sickness and wrinkled his nose,

"Blimey, you haven't got anything catching have you?" He asked, shifting back a few inches.

"Hmm? No…" Sirius replied still in his dazed tone. James sighed,

"Well, there's clearly no point talking to you when you're acting like Xeno Lovegood. Where's Remus?"

Sirius snapped to attention at Remus' name. "What do you mean where is he?"

"He hasn't been in class all morning either. We assumed the pair of you were planning something. Maybe he's got what you have too. Probably got it from your snogging sessions," James noted the look on Sirius face and raised his hands in defence. "Dude, only kidding. Mind you, if he has got it then it's probably affecting him worse, he gets sick really easily. He always looks ill and…" James trailed off as the classroom door swung open.

Sirius felt very cold as they entered the room, where had Remus gone? He felt like his stomach had turned to lead with the guilt. McGonagall began to give them the usual O.W.L.s speech, but Sirius was zoned out. How was he suppose to concentrate when a) Remus was missing and b) it was his fault? The rest of the day's classes melded together in a Remus-less blur for Sirius with a constant theme tune of raindrops hammering on the rooftops that grew more aggressive as the day wore on.

James was finding the situation more than a little irritating when both his best friends were missing in mind and one in body as well. He stalked off to dinner as soon as he had dumped his belongings, without saying a word to Sirius. Sirius hardly noticed as he went on a hunt of his own.

He searched everywhere he could think of bar the whole of the forbidden forest, which he flew over instead. It was just so… not Remus to go missing for a whole day of lessons. He normally got peeved about missing the first few minutes of class.

It was after half eleven, when Sirius called it a night. The rain had become particularly cold and he had been frozen into a retreat. Or at least, he stopped searching. After drying himself and changing into his pyjamas, there was nothing to stop him sitting at the fireplace in his usual armchair, staring at the seat across (Remus' chair), hoping that maybe, just maybe, if he wished hard enough the boy who ought to have been sitting there would materialise. His whole body ached for the comfortable forgetfulness of sleep, a chance to heal, but he refused to rest.

At five to midnight, he resigned himself to the idea that if twelve came and there was still no sign of Remus, he would have to go to bed anyway, when suddenly, the portrait hole swung open and there stood Remus.

He staggered slightly as he stepped over the portrait base. Sirius jumped to his feet, then had no clue what to do with himself, so stood there looking awkward. As he drew closer to the dull light of the fire, Sirius realised Remus hair was plastered to his head and he was resembling something along the lines of a drowned rat. He was shivering petulantly. Sirius couldn't help himself. All awkwardness thrown aside, he rushed forward and helped Remus into his armchair. Remus shook off Sirius' hold and stared at the fire. Sirius watched him very carefully as the colour gradually returned to his face, or rather, his normal pallor replaced the deathly one he had held.

It felt like an eternity before Remus finally spoke.

"How bad is it?" He asked, his voice, little more than a whisper.

Sirius knew what he meant, but he couldn't bring himself to talk about it, talking about it would make the whole situation real and he couldn't…

"I'll show you." He said equally softly.

Sirius stood up and offered Remus his hand, a warm wave of relief passed through him as Remus accepted it, relief and courage. Maybe if Remus knew, if he understood then, everything would be okay. Maybe…


End file.
